During meditation this morning, I started thinking about my cousin who’s currently 6 months pregnant with twins and how she warned me that I might “catch a boob or two” in the photos she was sending me of herself to show me how her hair color turned out.
Woah! The warning, thoughtful and very gentle in nature, was totally out of character for her. The expected action was too have her send photos without any warning at all because that’s just how she is: bold, unapologetic, and sexually liberated. She doesn’t give a shit if anyone sees her nipples unexpectedly nor does she care to sensor herself for the sake of offending someone who’s sensitive enough to get offended. Although unconventional and provoking in nature, it’s a quality that I do admire and respect about her. There are times however that I find it annoying and uncomfortable. Having to share space with someone who sometimes doesn’t have a filter nor gives two shits about what anyone thinks (where I do, have a filter AND give a shit about what others think (a little too much) – more on this another time) gets very unerving and sometimes scary.
Which is WHY I love that about her. There’s no fear to disrupt the peace or challenge others’ beliefs because she’s that comfortable with who she is. So when she told me I may catch a boob or two and then added “hope you don’t mind”, it made me wonder if she is starting to soften a bit and take into consideration other people’s comfort levels. Not that she’s starting to actually care about what others think, but she is becoming considerate of the other person’s space wanting to make sure they’re comfortable with whatever content she will be inserting into their space. Which I like A LOT.
I’ve been confused for a long time about what it means to be confident and acting confident. What is REAL confidence and how do you present it to the world? How do you stay true to yourself and respect the space of others at the same time? It makes me think about finding a balance between self-ownership, self-love and acceptance and asserting ourselves onto others. Specifically, I’m referring to those who can be very loud, assertive, and pushy in nature. They want you to know they have arrived and will go out of their way to make sure they are seen (and heard). The loudness seems too over the top and obnoxious to me. You can make a statement without all the noise and glamour. Yes, it definitely stirs shit up and makes people angry (which is sometimes necessary) but most of the time, it’s a cry for attention and most importantly LOVE. At least it’s how I see it. Because when you are full of it, you don’t need to put on a spectacle.
Perhaps what I’m referring to is having self awareness. Having sense of your surroundings, emotions, thoughts, the moment, and yourself in relation to others who are sharing it with you. I believe that when there is awareness, there is also silence and you no longer have to say, do, act, shout, exclaim, and assert your beliefs onto others. No need to get the attention of others or prove yourself because you’re truly at peace with who you are.
The miracle is, if you become aware, silence follows you like a shadow. But then that silence is not practiced; it comes of its own accord. And when silence comes from its own accord, it has a tremendous beauty to it. It is alive, it has a song at its innermost core. It is loving, it is blissful. It is not empty; on the contrary, it is a plentitude. You are so full that you can bless the whole world and yet your sources remain inexhaustible; you can go on giving, and you will not be able to exhaust the source. But it happens through awareness – Osho, Discover the Buddha