Something within has been pulling me back to writing so I decided that whenever the urge arises, I’ll open up my browser and write down my thoughts and feelings here. As much as possible at least. This time around, I come here with more awareness and a better understanding of the mechanics at play when I experience sudden flare ups that lead to grandiose claims of commitment which always seem to dissipate after the initial excitement wears off. Now I get it. Now I see the patterns with more clarity. The excited part of me that gets triggered and vows to write, meditate, workout, read, or whatever other activity I conjure up to be the one that saves me is the part of me that gets taken over by emotions.
It’s like a tide that rips me at the seams and I’m suddenly vomiting promises to myself and the world that fizzle out just as quickly as they had birthed. Which, is something that I have come to understand more and accept.
So now, I (try to) refrain – whenever I catch myself at least – from making bold claims about pretty much anything. The desire is still there; it feels so good to share my newest ideas, dreams, and projects with the world. But then I look back at my record and it shows me that 99.5% of the time, I never actually complete anything. Once the initial excitement wears off, the business starts to deflate and within a week or two, my old patterns kick in and I close up shop.
I’m starting to sense that even though I may say I want change, that I really actually, DON’T want it. Because change requires effort and action. It means unlearning everything you know and that is a grueling process. It means that I need to be uncomfortable.
I started reading Awareness by Anthony De Mello and only got through a couple of pages because of this harrowing truth that got its grip on me:
So there it is: step one. Realize that you don’t want to wake up. It’s pretty difficult to wake up when you have been hypnotized into thinking that a scrap of old newspaper is a check for a million dollars. How difficult it is to tear yourself away from that scrap of old newspaper.
It’s been about two weeks and I can’t get passed the first chapter. Resistance is showing me that this is where my work is.