Relationships are tricky and difficult to master at times. For some, even impossible as it depends on the individual puzzle pieces that merge together in the form of two people. In my situation, I found the piece that at first glance, didn’t seem to fit so well. After some forceful nudging and countless attempts of making it fit, it remained stubborn and was still not meshing harmoniously with mine. Eventually, frustration and hurt led to surrender and we chose to part ways.
There are times when parting ways is the end of an era in a relationship, with both parties agreeing to consciously close that chapter of their lives. And sometimes, as in my case, the separation becomes part of the character’s story line, like a plot twist that takes the two characters further into themselves. It revealed what I was running from and that the lens from which I perceived my puzzle piece not to fit mine was stained with past wounds, wounds that only I had the ability to tend too and ultimately heal. And until those wounds were to be healed, we would continue to struggle. That all we really had to do was change the perception of how we were arranging the pieces, rotate them slightly, and in result they would merge together harmoniosly. We were just stuck in doing things one way, shackled by our past traumas.
The saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder” rang true for me. Space and time apart from my love revelead many hidden aspects of myself I wasn’t able to see before. I needed that last break to learn my lesson. I needed to be alone with myself so that I could finally meet my shadows face to face and work out the kinks keeping me stuck in my old ways.
In the past, I’d be soaring through the sky after a breakup. I would feel a sense of elation and freedom when I was released from a relationship that no longer served me. I had always felt it in my gut that I was taking a step into the right direction. Yet, this time around, as time passed, those feelings never arrived. Of course there’s a phase of grieving when something ends and I was aware that I was in that state but what I was feeling this time was completely different, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before in the past. First, all my attachments came to the surface. I struggled to release my grip, holding on tightly to the illusion that HE was the source of all my love and happiness. He was no longer present in physical form and I cried nightly wishing I could feel him just one more time. I couldn’t accept that he was gone and I suffered because I was too busy living in the past.
There’s a proverb tattooed on my inner arm saying “this too shall pass”. And so it did. With time, being in a state of such discontent and suffering, I was guided to surrender to what was and began the journey inward. It felt like I had no other choice; it was as if I was a street beggar who was ignored by those passing by and the only way to feed and cloth myself was to stop depending on others, get up and start looking for other means. I could no longer wallow in the self pity and began to tap into the source within. I began to feel less lonely and lost. I recognized the process and it was teaching me patience and self love. Yet, I still couldn’t shake of the feeling that there was something missing. It was as if my soul had lost its best friend and the longing to return home was unbearable.
I started having dreams about him, ones where he and I would come together and just talk. We’d talk all night and when I woke up, I could feel his presence in the room. And on several occasions, I’d be pulled out of my sleep by some invisible force, finding myself sitting in my bed saying his name out loud (no joke). What the fuck? I began feeling him more deeply, the connection strong as ever. And we weren’t even together! It was as if the more I focused on my healing and my self development, the more connected I felt to him. It was the strangest phenomenon. Till this day, I’m not sure how to define it and ohhhh how the ego wants to KNOW!
I also began seeing numbers in patterns of 222, 444 and 555 which still follow me around on a daily basis. What does it all mean?! Of course the detective in me is on a mission to solve the mystery and figure out what the hell this all means for me. But all I can do is just collect the clues until my face turns blue. And this is where I’ll settle for this moment, gathering the pieces to my puzzle until I’m able to see the bigger picture. One piece at a time ….