Can’t stop thinking of him. With every breath I take, I see his face in front of me and am filled with memories of him. Of us. He’s on my mind a lot right now. I keep analyzing our past, trying to find some kind of a solution or explanation that would help me understand what happened to us. Or rather, why we can’t be together. I feel like I’m obsessed with him to be honest. When I’m alone, I look over to my side and pretend as if I’m telling him the thoughts I’m having. It’s as if his spirit never left and he’s with me everywhere I go.
I’m filled with a little bit of anger. Bitterness at the fact that we’re no longer in alignment and had to separate. I wonder if he fulfilled me. Even though we argued, I felt full. Broken, but full. There’s so much we need to work on as individuals that until we heal these wounded parts of ourselves, we won’t work. And I’m starting to figure it out. Just hope he does in time too. Because I’m not waiting. I want to live my life.
I do miss him. I miss his big ass smile. I miss how he looked at me when he’s loving me. Such a soft smoldering gaze, one where I feel like he’s undressing me in his mind. I miss his childish giggle when he’s entertained. I especially miss the smirk and eye roll combo I got from him when I said something deliberately obnoxious or so fucking awesome that he couldn’t believe it so he had to roll his eyes at me. I felt such joy and freedom with him in those moments. I felt accepted and loved. I miss our long conversations. I really miss him pacing back and forth, sometimes in circles as he talked to his friend Zoo on the phone for hours. I miss how he did my bed every morning when he stayed over. And how he took the garbage out and changed the bags. I liked that quality in him. I miss gazing into his eyes and losing a sense of myself. We merged. I miss the feeling of triumph, when he and I had made progress in our relationship. I even miss his selfishness, the times he told me exactly how he wanted things and how they were gonna go cuz he wasn’t having it any other way.
I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with him, I am. But I can’t do it without him being on the same page as me. Growth is constant change and if we’re going to be splitting up along the path then that’s an indication our energies repel each other. Which means, our hearts are in different places. And that’s OKAY. I don’t know why I feel so calm about this, even though there’s a tsunami happening inside me for the last couple of months. And if it means I find someone else along the way and during this process, so be it. Even though I have no desire to be with anyone else. At all. It’s the first time in my life where I’m not seeking attention from another man to make me feel good. My heart’s so closed. But what’s meant to be will be, and I’ve gotta accept the present moment and in this present moment, we are not together. There’s a reason for this. I trust the universe wholeheartedly.