“Don’t be scared” I hear my voice. That graceful voice of wisdom and unconditional self love. So so scared of breaking our bond because I don’t want to lose him. Or what we had. But how could I lose what will remain forever?
Hm, am I attached to the illusion of what he provided to me? He gave me attention and he loved me. I fantasize of those things often. It feels good. Perhaps I should practice getting those things from myself.
How can I lose something I have within myself? Am I afraid of my own power? YES. Very much. Why? It’ll hurt people. Who has it hurt in the past? My parents. I got punished for being myself, so I don’t want to get punished. But what does that have to do with hurting others? It’s more about feeling the pain of disappointing others. I think.
I feel so broken. Yet, the only person who can put the pieces back together is myself. I’m gonna let my child come out and grieve. I’ll let her cry in my arms and I’ll hold her till she falls asleep on my lap, stroking her long auburn curls until she’s swept away by dreams. I’ll mourn with her. Mourn the diminishment of her light when she got punished for being a child. When she got shut down for expressing herself. We’ll mourn the loss of her power together and then we’ll work on getting it back.
I see her, I’m trying to get her to come out and shine bright like the luminous sun that she is. Don’t hide my love, come out and show your beautiful, pensive eyes. Come out and play; make mistakes knowing I’m here to hold your hand and catch you if you fall. It’s okay to fall – it’ll hurt but then we’ll get right back up and keep on stepping. Keep on falling because it’s the only way we’ll know what we want. The only way our hearts can expand and our minds can grow. Be afraid and let it guide you rather than deter you.
I know you’re scared right now. What if you end up alone? What if … so many of those what ifs. I’m not alone. I am whole. I am complete because I love myself. I love myself so much. ALL of me. I love my insecurities. I love that I care about others so much. Sometimes to a fault. I love that I’m opened and so accepting. I even love my own judgements of others because that makes me Human. I also love that I’m so aware when that happens. And I love that I am HERE. Right now, this place in time. I accept it.