I had my two cousins come over last night for some Chipotle’s and chit chat (were all broke and on a budget, so don’t judge) and a few hours into our gathering I had the sudden urge to be alone. This surprised me. I’m alone so much these days that I was thrown of guard at the thought of wanting to be alone. Aren’t I supposed to NOT want that? Yet, feeling this urge forming in my belly and fantasizing about my cousins leaving so that I was left alone in my studio apartment gave me so much joy. I couldn’t wait till they were gone so I can be with myself (no offense to them and if you guys are reading this I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and know you’ll both get this, so much so you’ll be high five’ing me when we see each other because I’m starting to embrace solitude).
And what I did next surprised me even more. I opened my mouth and told them I was going to be dwindling down from a very long day and that they need to start heading out. What the … ?!
Initially, I was flooded with doubt and feelings of worry. What if I’ll offend them with my honesty? What if I’m being an asshole and this is not good hosting? What if they don’t like me after I tell them I’m ready to go to bed and have made them leave when they didn’t want too … All these what if’s began forming. But these thoughts were brief. They were brief because I stopped myself midtrack and made a choice to be honest about how I was feeling at the moment. I also made a choice to stand up to this badgering need to be accepted and to be liked so much. And lastly, I forced myself to let that shit go and focused on what really mattered to me at that moment: that I wanted to be alone.
I also noticed that my energy levels started to drop when the conversation got lull; another reason why I can’t just hang. I get so bored if there’s no depth to the conversation and I can only pretend for so long until the yawns come out. Sometimes that makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel selfish and “bad” for not enjoying or losing interest in a topic I’m not into. And as I write, I begin to question this idea that I am supposed to like or enjoy everything that my friends are into. The only way I can see this happen is if I couldn’t think for myself or if I traded my identity for theirs so that I can be just like them. Except that is not the case at all. I’m NOT like them (or anyone else) and I don’t even want to be.
I appreciate moments like these; ones that make you question your long time beliefs and challenge them. Moments where I recognize that I have a choice to either stay quiet or speak up. Moments where I chose myself first.