I’ve been slacking on writing recently. I’m not sure what to write about and when I do get ideas, they’re fleeting like the days of our lives. Since I’ve taken on painting, the desire to write has diminished slightly. It’s either because I’ve had writer’s block OR my cup is half full with all the painting I’ve been doing. Yet, if I don’t write – whether it be in my journal, an Instagram post, or some form of poetry, I start to feel a longing for it. So here I am, not sure what the fuck to write about, just know that I need too. Or I’ll fall into depression. Not even kidding.
So yeah, let’s just dive in and start with …
“Start with what exactly Helen?”
Okay how about I begin with what’s been on my mind these last few weeks. Since my breakup about 3 months ago, I can’t shake the feeling that he and I are meant to be. I know!! It’s been 3 fucking months and I gotta get on with my life right?! We broke up for a reason – long story short, he no longer shared the same values around open relationships as he/I/we did when we first got together and wanted an exclusively monogamous relationship – and not only once, but this is our THIRD time splitting up.
And here I am, still feeling incredibly connected to him, my heart broken as ever.
I know that I need more time to pass. And it’s even possible that I’m being too hard on myself and expecting myself to be over him already. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that he may be “the one”. I say this because I’ve never felt like this after a breakup. It’s always been so easy to move on for me. Even when this was a mutual decision, it is still affecting me as if I got hit by a bus. So naturally I’m fucking lost. Confused. Am I crazy? Am I keeping myself stuck in the past by dwelling on these feelings? And .. why am I STILL having these feelings?! My intuition tells me there’s more to this than meets the eye.
And then a week ago, out of nowhere, one of my girlfriends sends me a video on Twin Flame lovers that turns my whole world around! Ever since I watched it, I’ve been more and more convinced that HE is my twin flame.
What the fuck is that you ask? Before I saw the video, I too had no idea. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the term soul mate. Well it’s similar but where a soul mate is your “perfect match”, a twin flame is your “perfect mirror”. They will reflect back to you who you are and these relationships are usually very passionate, intense, and awaken us like no others. For more about this concept, I’ve provided a link below that will literally break it down to details (something I’m too lazy to do at this very moment):
So it makes a lot of sense to me why I feel the way I do. Why it feels like half of my heart is missing. Why I am so messed up from this, why it’s so painful, why I feel so transformed after this breakup, and why I find it so difficult to “move on”. It made sense why I felt (and still feel) so drawn to him. Why he and I were connected on a deeper, spiritual level. Why it felt like he was my best friend, like I could share anything and everything with him (and vice versa), and why he and I kept on breaking up. Despite having this knowledge and a deep sense of knowing of what we are (and a deep desire to be back with him), I’m still trying to put myself out there. But not in the way where I’m pimping myself out and sleeping around with strangers because I’m no longer in a relationship and am sexually liberated – hell fucking no. I don’t even want to do that. And to be honest, I don’t even recognize the person I am today from the person I was 3 months ago. I feel transformed (no surprise here). That’s what the breakup did for me, to me. I’ve got these “standards” now. I KNOW what I want, how I want to feel when with another person, and what I need. It’s kind of insane but so magical at the same time. And I don’t want to settle either. So I started saying NO a lot (without any guilt or feeling bad about it). It just happened. Well not as easy as that, it took a freaking breakup and a painful one at that. One I’m still clearly wounded from. But a mark was made and it is literally changing my whole fucking world around.
And who knows how long it’ll take for me to “recover”? Only time will tell. And if anyone of you reading this has ever been in a relationship with someone who you consider your “twin flame”, please share!!