“Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now.” – Don Miguel Ruiz
The other night, I decided I’d watch Power Rangers before going to bed so that it can put me to sleep. Those who know me, would tell you that I’m an expert of passing out 10-15 minutes after a movie begins, especially if it’s late at night. So, after about an hour into the movie, when I found myself to still be wide awake (shocker), I decided to hit the pause button and find another approach.
Turning to YouTube, I searched for meditation that would help with sleep and found a clip intended to clear you of any negativite energy as well as open the heart chakra. You know, one of those 9 hour long trance like recordings. Ten minutes into it, I was laying in bed crying like a fucking baby. Of course the onset didn’t just happen out of nowhere. It was triggered by a thought I had about my ex (we broke up about 2 months ago and clearly, I’m still in the grieving phase). I decided to just lay there and allow the tears to flow. I needed to stop fighting my feelings. I was fucking sad and rather than avoid it, I decided to honor it instead. So, I let myself to cry.
Remembering what my therapist once told me when I was feeling anxiety or tension, I relaxed my body and began to breath deeper, inhaling and exhaling counts of four. A few minutes later, I began to tremble. I knew it was an indication that the energy was moving through and that something was being unblocked. So I cried. And I shook. And then, as I lay there breathing, trembling and crying, the intense feelings of sadness, loss, and a deep longing started to fizzle out. Then, a sense of calm washed over me and silence filled the room.
In the silence, I no longer felt the pain I was trying so hard to resist. Instead, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and a childlike innocence fill me up. I heard myself let out a laugh and as if being pulled by an invisible string, I sat upright facing the windows. I sat in the darkness, motionless, staring at a dimly lit window across the street. My eyes grazed my surroundings and all I could hear was my breathing. It was then that I became acutely aware that the reality I was experiencing at that specific moment would pass and be replaced with something different. Just like my sadness was replaced with joy. And then I got it.
This too shall pass … I had to feel through the sadness to get to the “other side”. I needed to embrace and love the shadow side in order to experience the joy I was feeling. The pain I felt was caused by my resistance to it.
And once I understood that the pain was caused by my resistance and an unwillingness to surrender to it, I suddenly felt deep gratitude for it (the pain). But only after I surrendered. And after I did, my perspective shifted and I saw the outside world with new eyes. I felt a profound appreciation toward the apartment I was temporarily inhabiting, the furniture that decorated it, the trees outside of it, and all the other objects that I owned. Yet, I felt that none of those material possessions really mattered. I had no attachment to any of it and felt that my real home was in my heart.