Thought it would be easier to write about heartbreak while in it, but it’s harder than I thought it would be. I figured if I pushed through it, that something will come forth. So far, I’ve met with anger and disappointment. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a long road ahead of me and that other emotions will start coming to the surface.
I wanted to write about heartbreak as way to heal. I know many have experienced the loss of love and the pain that comes along with it is pretty much unbearable. I’ve experienced it on several occasions and one would think that it gets easier. My friends, it does not. However, what I have observed is that the experience is different every time that love is lost. Every breakup is different depending on where you are in your life. Some are more painful than others. Some feel more freeing. It all depends on the connection you had with your partner. At least for me.
Yet, despite the pain (and once it’s been surpassed), every ending presents a gift. It’s an opportunity to create a new story. I’m well aware that when you’re in it, it feels like it’s fucking impossible to do anything, yet go on to create a new narrative. But there’s a reason why we coin “heartbreak” as … well, the heart being broken. It’s because it literally feels like someone took your heart and beat the shit out of it. And then there’s the process of detaching yourself from your partner, the story you’ve worked so hard to create and the identity you’ve acquired. And not only did they vanish, but so did the expectations you had about the future you’d have with one other. This is the hardest part for me.
“No person has ever broken your heart, they have broken your expectations which gets you closer to your heart”. – Kyle Cease
I like to call this process as a shedding of some sort; a shedding of expectations and the identity acquired. I feel it as a shift that’s happening within me and it’s on a much deeper level. It’s cellular and it’s caused by change which I’ve learned is never fucking comfortable. It just isn’t. Which in a way makes this easier for me to digest because I know I’m growing and THAT makes me happy. I will never turn growth away. No matter how painful.
I’ve shed many skins in my lifetime, each time making me stronger, making me more attuned to my needs, desires, and my inner voice. Oh that voice! It gets stronger and more vexatious. It gets much harder to ignore. Time again and again, I am reborn. Time again and again, I discover new values I wasn’t aware I’ve carried with me. My partners helped to uncover these things for me and for that I am grateful.
Gratitude. This has been (and is) my guiding light through the darkness. But I have to dig dip to access it because finding gratitude amidst a wild hurricane is a tremendous effort. It feels like it is much easier to stay in the victim mindset, feeling helpless and frail. At least then, I don’t have to take any responsibility for what happened right? NO WAY!! This, as I’ve learned, is a false illusion that’s created by the ego to keep you where you are. To keep you small and comfortable. And if anything, it stifles growth. So fuck that.
Victimhood doesn’t serve me. In fact, it keeps me chained to the past so I keep reaching for gratitude whenever I can. It’s the elixir that heals my heart and helps me transcend.